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Some day an unborn midget is going to be sad because you didn’t purchase it. Google it, loser. #shitlynaesays

There’s a special level of hell for people who say flutist instead of flautist. And it’s just you, standing there, alone. #ShitLynaeSays

I can’t right now, I have to spraypaint an aardvark. #shitlynaesays

I noticed that our living room is filled with the bones of many avian beasts and the poop of many robots… #shitlynaesays

One time I went into a fugue state and played Duck Hunt for 5 hours. And then I won. Did you know you could win Duck Hunt? #shitlynaesays

It’s just like my grandpappy used to say: ladies with big bottoms shouldn’t wear flowered shorts. #shitlynaesays

Fifty-cent Perrier, welcome to the future, jackass. Pour some out for your homies. #shitlynaesays

Bondage is just macrame, but for people. #shitlynaesays

I always told you drinking butter was tasty; you never believed me. #shitlynaesays

If you used it right, I bet you could do a lot of damage with a carrot tied to a stick. #shitlynaesays

Make sure you capitalize the D in Dwarvish. What? Don’t look at me that way; I saw the #shitlynaesays lightbulb go off above your head.

I feel like there should be a whole book of the heroic exploits of heroic Dwarvish lesbians. #shitlynaesays

Sadly, I’m too snide to wear a snood. #shitlynaesays

When I search for ‘sweater kittens’ the only things I get are kittens wearing sweaters. #shitlynaesays

No power in the ‘Verse can stop me from writing Lurch/Hodor slashfic. #shitlynaesays

I’m just gonna go do my own ecstatic Dionysian rite in the hallway. #shitlynaesays

Nothing like hearing that one of your relatives has high blood pressure to make you want to eat a breakfast bacon burger. #shitlynaesays

Do the Amish eat their scrapple with sriracha? #shitlynaesays

Why does my phone capitalize ‘Sexting’? #shitlynaesays

I thought the marimba was a kind of dance. I think I confused the merengue and the samba. #shitlynaesays

Go suck a bag of cronuts! #shitlynaesays

Every time a dog blows a bubblegum bubble with its butthole, 18 kittens in heaven get their wings? #shitlynaesays

Every time you post abt your boring job, a beautiful demon falls dead from the skies of Hell, never to resurrect as a zombie. #shitlynaesays

She even joined the æ of my name together. That’s how you know that [friend] really loves me. #shitlynaesays

As long as you get your kid a Tumblr, who cares what weird genetic disorder they have? #shitlynaesays

When is someone going to invent gourmet easy cheese?! #shitlynaesays

I can only fit so many curious objects in my house before I have to start collecting curious people. #shitlynaesays

That ‘Dr. Better’ soda was really more like ‘Dr. Mediocre’. #shitlynaesays

How does someone with that dog walk around with that sourpuss look on their face? HOW? #shitlynaesays

I’ve gotta tighten my wimple tonight. #shitlynaesays

Oh no, not another werewolf dildo! #shitlynaesays

Asians are obsessed with cutlets! What is up… with that?#shitlynaesays

I like to think of myself as more of a postvert. #shitlynaesays

That’s my fart! You can’t make me smell that! #shitlynaesays

You were in diapers when newsgroups were good for sex! #shitlynaesays

Is it time for Camp Tipsy yet? #shitlynaesays

The Deep Space Nine subreddit finally discovered my nail polish. 313 hits. #shitlynaesays

The irony is there’s very little of “Now That’s What I Call Music” that I would call music. #shitlynaesays

Trolling example #3: most of the stuff my wife says to me now. She’s really gotten into #shitlynaesays. A lot.

We need to find the Huell Howser of Africa. #shitlynaesays