It’s a lot easier if you just learn to shut up sometimes.
Monthly Archives: April 2012
The “barbaric and exploitative” Chinese TV show Interviews Before Execution opens with “Awaken human nature and perceive the value of life.”
Ha ha, you’re successful. Loser.
She’s like the Lily Munster of Mongolian praise ballads. #shitlynaesays
Nothing makes us appreciate our own bed like sleeping in one half the size. Thus, my parents theories on camping are proven true.
That and the pin/pen pronunciation merger, obviously.
Just had a conversation about music with a guy who, when Oink.cd got shut down 5 years ago, was 12.
Hard, sharp, difficult to work with even with the correct tools, and sure to be stepped in at the least opportune moment.
Polar bears are an Arctic species. Penguins are an Antarctic species. Please, could you explain how that would even happen?
OH: “I’m really eager for my parents to meet our adopted girl. I guess I should mention at this point that she’s a dog.”
Better the cannibal in the park than the policeman on my doorstep.
The noted mental agility of the Incan has been attributed to his great consumption of nourishing quinoa.
At least I’m always the first person to drop manure or hot solder on the new-vacuumed carpet.
Yo, where all my stock photos of smiling men with salads at?
Men be all grillin’ steaks and shit. Eat a yogurt, fat boy.
Foghorns, tequila, soulful ukulele, hipsters, weed, blinky things, EVERYWHERE.
Feeding the midnight bike riding urge by riding at midnight with dozens of people. As we do. midnightmystery.org/sanfrancisco/
Most famous practitioner of Tuvan-style overtone singing? Strange but true: Popeye. Least famous? Me.
Yet, somewhere out there, there are people who think I’m undereducated. And these people are even more insufferable.
Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke about statistical analysis, historical cryptography and the federalist papers.
Yes, yes — you’re all high because it’s that holiday. Que adorable.
August 26, 2022: someone finally devises a statistical algorithm to determine the Voynich manuscript’s author as either Hamilton or Madison.
Ok, Universe — I just bought a weird rare album. Let’s see how soon you “coincidentally” post it on Boingboing. cdbaby.com/cd/jmnasim
Fat pets make me sad. #shitlynaesays
“Do you have bike dealers in San Diego?”
“Not there anymore.”
“Let’s see… looks like they moved across to… Portland OR.
I have only two caveats for talking about the [perfectly legal] things I do for money: 1) oh god no 2) could we please not
C’n ye keep a seekrit? The constant unrelenting deluge of work I commit myself to is overcompensation for being “unemployed”. Ha ha! FOREVER
The quickesttrip ever recorded was 12.8 minutes. It nevertheless included 2 impulse buys and chat with the cheesemonger.
The iReddit app doesn’t save your place when you close it. Classic example of it’s a feature, not a bug.
I think that lettuce from my garden made me fat. #shitlynaesays
To any who received texts from me about a baby capybara eating Pop Rocks: it was Lynae.
A male Onychophoran places a sperm packet on the body of the female. It dissolves on skin, gets carried to the uterus through blood.
Someone needs to start collecting tweets of people who just found out Tupac was an actual human once.
Fixing my own plumbing; trying not to have my life be a punchline from the fifties.
Wait… who on Earth is your Lynae?
Today primary filming began on my epic instructional documentary, “How to Make Zebest Turkish Coffee”.
Some more than others…