things I can and cannot do without pants

  • I can open the desk at the hostel without pants, no problem.
  • Other people (other people who aren’t me) can’t even come downstairs without pants.
  • However, I still cannot cook salmon burgers naked and/or pants-free (waffers are still ok).
  • I can be in a mariachi band (in my imagination) with no pants, because that’s actually a funnier image than just being in a mariachi band.
  • I cannot be sworn in as the President of the United States without wearing pants. It sends the wrong message to the nation.
  • I can take a nice bath with absolutely no pants—it is, in fact, recommended.
  • Pants are encouraged for all trips to relatives house’s. Gramma has staunch morals.
  • I cannot take a driver’s test without pants, but I can help someone get to a driver’s test with no pants.
  • I could make mixed drinks with no pants if I were required.
  • In fact, I can delegate tasks effectively while managing multiple priorities, solve problems proactively in a dynamic environment, work well against deadlines, all without pants.
  • It is still not recommended to go to a job interview without pants.
  • Similarly, inspecting apartments without pants can be problematic. Think of the children.
  • I do a pretty good “Fuzzbottom McTickleface duke of Catchester” impression, if I am free of any pants I may or may not have worn.
  • I wear pants if it’s cold out. It has not been cold out.
  • For the record, it is perfectly fine to blog pantsless.

Reasons Not to Kiss Me

  • I have a thick beard, and it’s getting thicker by the day.
  • I’ve got a sore spot on the bottom left where I bit my lip, and it hasn’t healed yet because I keep sneezing too hard.
  • My teeth are crooked.
  • I only brush once a day.
  • I’ve lost the Burt’s Beez stuff and am back onto the Nivea Lip Care addiction.
  • You might accidentally suck my lips off (you don’t know! it could happen!)
  • People tell me I smell, just in general.

10 Things I would buy if The Hostel paid me

It’s possible I might get paid to redesign the San Francisco hostel’s website. Money would be good. With that in mind:

  1. food
  2. a circle tattoo
  3. Keith and the Girl Live! California+Boston
  4. cool new thrift store clothes
  5. a monthy bus pass
  6. new socks
  7. new shoes to go with them
  8. a ticket to Palm Springs to visit Homepie
  9. [something I choose not to reveal on a public forum]
  10. true happiness (and more food)

Pre-Death Checklist

I’d like to announce I’m not planning on dying soon! Huzzah! I arrived at that conclusion by way of this list I made today, of the things I wanna do before I die:

  • travel to Australia
  • skydive
  • have an out-of-body experience (preferably not skydiving)
  • watch a live birth
  • pass along my genetic material to next generation (see above)
  • have my own hellacool apartment
  • wear a speedo in public
  • get a haircut from a friend
  • shave my head
  • be on television
  • have my own radio show
  • invent something useful to the human race
  • write a novel
  • compile my memoirs (different than above)

Yeah, I admit it’s not a lot. But these are the kind of ideas that come to you over a period of time. Like, a lifetime. Keep an eye on the updated, permanent verison.

New Taglines

I recently added a few more taglines to supplement the all-purpose, totally true, “blogs Я dum. read GLΘT.”

  1. Way too much time, I know.
  2. Yeah. I’m a sucker for free stuff too.
  3. Everybody’s got a damn blog, don’t they?
  4. Actually, I don’t have anything better to do.
  5. Self-centered American naval-gazing at it’s best.
  6. Boy, do I miss books sometimes.
  7. XHTML-compliance is a vice.

These turned out a little pessimistic, I admit. Especially since I like blogging more and more lately. I just… I wish there was another word. “Blog” used to mean the mixture of different alcoholic drinks you stole by the capful from your parents liqour cabinet. No, really—I read that in a book.